As a parent, I’ve used those words way more than I’d like to admit. If I’m being completely honest, I am tempted at this very moment to stop writing and intervene in whatever argument my boys are currently engaged in, which I can hear through the basement (“office”) door. The joys of trying to work during summer break! But I am choosing not to engage. Why?
I just wrapped up “The Coddling of the American Mind,” by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt. It was a great book, and I particularly enjoyed the practical applications to parenting. At one point, the authors cite Adam Grant, a bestselling author and organizational psychologist at Wharton. In his article, “Kids, Would You Please Start Fighting?”, Adam points out that disagreement is a good thing, and says, “The skill to get hot without getting mad – to have a good argument that doesn’t become personal – is critical in life. But it’s one that few parents teach to their children.” He highlights that allowing children to work through disagreement is building the necessary and vital life skills of constructive disagreement, problem solving, and even fosters creativity. As parents, we tend to rescue our children from the discomfort of disagreement to their own detriment. As I read “The Coddling,” and more from other authors who informed the book, I started questioning why I frequently interject and demand my children stop fighting. If I do not allow them to develop the skills to resolve their own arguments, how am I leading and preparing them to be successful adults? In all honesty, I believe we should question all our “STOPs”. Unless our children are in true danger, we should question our motivation in desiring that they cease whatever activity is causing us to want to say “stop.” I personally have found I am either trying to restore their, or my, comfort. But should comfort really be the goal? Does life always offer comfort? This has become a very important question in my house.
In his article, Adam Grant says, “Good arguments are wobbly: a team or family might rock back and forth but it never tips over. If kids don’t learn to wobble, they never learn to walk; they end up standing still.”
I’ll leave you with Mr. Grant’s four simple rules for constructive disagreement:
- Frame it as a debate rather than a conflict.
- Argue as if you’re right but listen as if you’re wrong.
- Make the most respectful interpretation of the other person’s perspective.
- Acknowledge where you agree with your critics and what you’ve learned from them.
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Written by David Gutierrez
